Arnold Schwarzenegger Jokes
Funny Quotes From Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Well, there was no sex for 14 days." -on getting
the cold shoulder from his wife after backing President George
W. Bush at the Republican Convention
"To those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy,
I say, Don't be economic girlie men!" –at the Republican
"If they don't have the guts to come up here in front
of you and say, 'I don't want to represent you, I want to
represent those special interests, the unions, the trial lawyers
... if they don't have the guts, I call them girlie men."
–describing Democratic lawmakers in California
"All of a sudden, we see riots, we see protests, we see
people clashing. The next thing we know, there is injured
or there is dead people. We don't want to get to that extent."
–on the dangers posed by gay marriage
"It's the most difficult [decision] I've made in my entire
life, except the one I made in 1978 when I decided to get
a bikini wax." –announcing his gubernatorial candidacy
on "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno"
"I can promise you that when I go to Sacramento, I will
pump up Sacramento." –on "The Tonight Show"
"As you know, I don't need to take any money from anybody.
I have plenty of money myself. I will make the decisions for
"We have to make sure everyone in California has a great
job. A fantastic job!"
"The public doesn't care about figures." -discussing
his economic views
"Don't worry about that." -on the environment
"From the time they get up in the morning and flush the
toilet, they're taxed. Then they go and get the cup of coffee,
they're taxed....This goes on all day long. Tax, tax, tax."
"I saw this toilet bowl. How many times do you get away
with this — to take a woman, grab her upside down, and bury
her face in a toilet bowl? I wanted to have something floating
there ... The thing is, you can do it, because in the end,
I didn't do it to a woman — she's a machine! We could get
away with it without being crucified by who-knows-what group."
-describing a scene in "Terminator 3"
"This is really embarrassing. I just forgot our state
governor's name, but I know that you will help me recall him."
–speaking to a taxpayer advocacy group
"As much as when you see a blonde with great tits and
a great ass, you say to yourself, 'Hey, she must be stupid
or must have nothing else to offer,' which maybe is the case
many times. But then again there is the one that is as smart
as her breasts look, great as her face looks, beautiful as
her whole body looks gorgeous, you know, so people are shocked."
–in an interview with Esquire
"The best activities for your health are pumping and
"Having a pump is like having sex. I train two, sometimes
three times a day. Each time I get a pump. It's great. I feel
like I'm coming all day."
"I think that gay marriage should be between a man and
"I have inhaled, exhaled everything."
"That was another thing I will never forgive the Republican
Party for. I was ashamed to call myself a Republican during
that period." -on the Clinton impeachment
"Having chicks around is the kind of thing that breaks
up the intense training. It gives you relief, and then afterward
you go back to the serious stuff."
"Nixon was always being attacked sexually. It was always
said that he was a fag and that he had no sexual relations
with his wife for 15 years and that was why he liked power.
And Hitler had only one ball, and that was why he wanted to
conquer the world." -in a 1977 interview with Time Out
"My friends don't want me to mention Kurt's name, because
of all the recent Nazi stuff and the U.N. controversy, but
I love him and Maria does too, and so thank you, Kurt."
–on his friend and fellow Austrian Kurt Waldheim, a Nazi war
"My relationship to power and authority is that I'm all
for it. People need somebody to watch over them. Ninety-five
percent of the people in the world need to be told what to
do and how to behave." –in a 1990 interview with U.S.
"I was always dreaming about very powerful people - dictators
and things like that. I was just always impressed by people
who could be remembered for hundreds of years, or even, like
Jesus, be for thousands of years remembered." –in the
1977 film "Pumping Iron"
"In a shocking announcement, Governor Schwarzenegger
said he supports changing the constitution to allow people
like him to run for president. I'm shocked he would want that.
Do you think he can win? Well, you know, it's interesting,
he has Ronald Reagan's appeal as an actor and George W. Bush's
difficulty with the English language. And, let's not forget,
he's got a little Clinton in there too, so he could win."
"Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he will refuse his
$175,000 salary and will work for free. I believe he will
be worth every penny." —Craig Kilborn
"Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as the Governor of
California. He put one hand in the air, the other hand on
the Bible, which is a good start — at least we know where
his hands are now." —Jay Leno
"Today was Arnold Schwarzenegger's inauguration as Governor
of California. Arnold was told to 'Raise your right hand and
butcher the English language after me.'" —Craig Kilborn
"There was one tricky moment — to get Arnold to put his
hand on the Bible, they stuck it in Paris Hilton's bra."
"Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as governor yesterday
in the mystical land of the west known as Kali-forn-ia. Celebrities
attended the event, including national anthem singer Vanessa
Williams. But the moment everyone was waiting for was the
swearing in. The Bible used for the swearing in ceremony was
200 years old and belonged to his in-laws, the Kennedys. That
may explain why the Leviticus chapter is interspersed with
the phone numbers of Rockettes." —Jon Stewart
"Earlier today in California Arnold Schwarzenegger was
sworn in as Governor. After being sworn in, Arnold wasted
no time and got right down to groping." —David Letterman
"Immediately after Arnold was sworn in, Gloria Alred
jumped in: "While you have your hand on the Bible, I’d
like to ask you a few questions." —Jay Leno
"More problems for Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger.
California Attorney General Bill Locklear has suggested a
special toll free number be set up for women to call in allegations
about Arnold's past. I have a better idea — why not make it
a 900 number and charge $1.99 a minute. We'll pay off that
$33 billion dollars right there." —Jay Leno
"As you know Arnold is investigating himself. He will
subpoena both of his hands, and if he finds any evidence of
wrongdoing he is going to sue himself." —Jay Leno
"In Washington, Arnold Schwarzenegger met with Vice President
Dick Cheney. So, the Terminator met the Defibrillator. The
difference between Schwarzenegger and Cheney is that when
Cheney grabs a chest, it's his own." —Jay Leno
"Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger is in Washington
D.C. today. He and Ted Kennedy went to lunch. Your state's
on fire and what do you do? A three-martini lunch with Ted
Kennedy." —David Letterman
"Bush joked last week during his meeting with Schwarzenegger
that they are both sometimes accused of misspeaking the language.
Mr. President, he's from a foreign country." —Jon Stewart
"On Thursday in California, President Bush met privately
with Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger. What did the pair
talk about? Neither is sure." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night
Live's "Weekend Update"
"Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It's
amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the
One-Terminator." —David Letterman
"Arnold Schwarzenegger will probably be the keynote speaker
at the Republican National Convention, which is very smart,
because after Schwarzenegger speaks, Bush's English won't
sound so bad." —Jay Leno
"Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he is going to ask President
Bush for help with the budget. What better way to deal with
a $38 billion deficit than get advice from a guy that created
a $450 billion deficit." —Jay Leno
"In his first news conference after being elected governor
of California, Arnold Schwarzeneger promised to clean house
in Sacramento. He also threatened to molest the energy crisis,
and date rape the deficit." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night
Live's "Weekend Update"
"Time was, our leaders were all veterans of World War
II, the Korean conflict or even the struggle for civil rights.
But now, with the election of Jesse Ventura in Minnesota and
Arnold Schwarzenegger in California, it is clear that the
next generation of political leaders will all come from the
movie 'Predator.'" —Stephen Colbert, The Daily Show with