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Drive Through ATM Procedures

Please note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.


  1. Drive up to the cash machine.
  2. Put down your car window.
  3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
  4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
  5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
  6. Put window up.
  7. Drive off.
  1. Drive up to cash machine.
  2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.
  3. Set parking Brake, Put the window down.
  4. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
  5. Turn the radio down.
  6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
  7. Attempt to insert card into machine.
  8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
  9. Insert card.
  10. Re-insert card the right side up
  11. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
  12. Enter PIN.
  13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
  14. Enter amount of cash required.
  15. Check make up in rear view mirror.
  16. Retrieve cash and receipt.
  17. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
  18. Place receipt in back of checkbook.
  19. Re-check make-up again.
  20. Drive forwards 2 feet.
  21. Reverse back to cash machine.
  22. Retrieve card.
  23. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
  24. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind.
  25. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
  26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
  27. Release Parking Brake.

The Perks of Being Over 40...
  1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
  2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
  3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
  4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
  5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
  6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
  7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
  8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
  9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
  10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
  11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
  12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
  13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
  15. You sing along with elevator music.
  16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
  17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
  18. You can't remember who sent you this list.

The Magician and the Parrot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

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