Joke of the Week
You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil?
You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil who?
Nevermind, it's pointless.
Little Johnny is walking by his parent's bedroom when he hears a lot of noise. He opens the door and sees his dad with his mom bent over the dresser having sex. Dad looks at Little Johnny and smiles, gives him a wink and motions for Johnny to leave the room, so he does.
A few minutes later dad is walking past Little Johnny's bedroom and hears a noise. He opens the door to see Little Johnny with grandma bent over the dresser having sex. Little Johnny looks at dad and smiles, winks at him and says, "It's not so funny when it's YOUR momma, is it?"
Q. Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A. It helps them remember which end to wipe...
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs'. The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"
Old McDonald sittin' on a bench,
poking his balls with a monkey wrench.
The wrench got small, it broke his balls,
and he pissed all over his overalls.
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep
ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer
happened by with his big old horse named Benny.
The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his
car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the
man's car bumper.
Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move.
Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't
Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard."
Benny just stood.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull."
Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.
The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the
farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three
The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he
was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that
they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President
decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest
and has each of them try to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the
forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After
three months of extensive investigations they conclude that
rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the
forest, filling everything in it, including the rabbit, and
they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly
beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay!
I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Funny Quotes From Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Well, there was no sex for 14 days." -on getting
the cold shoulder from his wife after backing President George
W. Bush at the Republican Convention
"To those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy,
I say, Don't be economic girlie men!" –at the Republican
"If they don't have the guts to come up here in front
of you and say, 'I don't want to represent you, I want to
represent those special interests, the unions, the trial lawyers
... if they don't have the guts, I call them girlie men."
–describing Democratic lawmakers in California
"All of a sudden, we see riots, we see protests, we see
people clashing. The next thing we know, there is injured
or there is dead people. We don't want to get to that extent."
–on the dangers posed by gay marriage
"It's the most difficult [decision] I've made in my entire
life, except the one I made in 1978 when I decided to get
a bikini wax." –announcing his gubernatorial candidacy
on "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno"
"I can promise you that when I go to Sacramento, I will
pump up Sacramento." –on "The Tonight Show"
"As you know, I don't need to take any money from anybody.
I have plenty of money myself. I will make the decisions for
"We have to make sure everyone in California has a great
job. A fantastic job!"
"The public doesn't care about figures." -discussing
his economic views
"Don't worry about that." -on the environment
"From the time they get up in the morning and flush the
toilet, they're taxed. Then they go and get the cup of coffee,
they're taxed....This goes on all day long. Tax, tax, tax."
"I saw this toilet bowl. How many times do you get away
with this — to take a woman, grab her upside down, and bury
her face in a toilet bowl? I wanted to have something floating
there ... The thing is, you can do it, because in the end,
I didn't do it to a woman — she's a machine! We could get
away with it without being crucified by who-knows-what group."
-describing a scene in "Terminator 3"
"This is really embarrassing. I just forgot our state
governor's name, but I know that you will help me recall him."
–speaking to a taxpayer advocacy group
"As much as when you see a blonde with great tits and
a great ass, you say to yourself, 'Hey, she must be stupid
or must have nothing else to offer,' which maybe is the case
many times. But then again there is the one that is as smart
as her breasts look, great as her face looks, beautiful as
her whole body looks gorgeous, you know, so people are shocked."
–in an interview with Esquire
"The best activities for your health are pumping and
"Having a pump is like having sex. I train two, sometimes
three times a day. Each time I get a pump. It's great. I feel
like I'm coming all day."
"I think that gay marriage should be between a man and
"I have inhaled, exhaled everything."
"That was another thing I will never forgive the Republican
Party for. I was ashamed to call myself a Republican during
that period." -on the Clinton impeachment
"Having chicks around is the kind of thing that breaks
up the intense training. It gives you relief, and then afterward
you go back to the serious stuff."
"Nixon was always being attacked sexually. It was always
said that he was a fag and that he had no sexual relations
with his wife for 15 years and that was why he liked power.
And Hitler had only one ball, and that was why he wanted to
conquer the world." -in a 1977 interview with Time Out
"My friends don't want me to mention Kurt's name, because
of all the recent Nazi stuff and the U.N. controversy, but
I love him and Maria does too, and so thank you, Kurt."
–on his friend and fellow Austrian Kurt Waldheim, a Nazi war
"My relationship to power and authority is that I'm all
for it. People need somebody to watch over them. Ninety-five
percent of the people in the world need to be told what to
do and how to behave." –in a 1990 interview with U.S.
"I was always dreaming about very powerful people - dictators
and things like that. I was just always impressed by people
who could be remembered for hundreds of years, or even, like
Jesus, be for thousands of years remembered." –in the
1977 film "Pumping Iron"
The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was
going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the
chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that
the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth
and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is
this winter to be cold?"
The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going
to be quite cold indeed."
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even
more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National
Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold
"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a
very cold winter."
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go
and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later
he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you
absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians
are collecting wood like crazy!"
Drive Through ATM Procedures
Please note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through"
teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without
leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new
facility the following procedures have been drawn up.
- Drive up to the cash machine.
- Put down your car window.
- Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
- Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
- Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
- Put window up.
- Drive off.
- Drive up to cash machine.
- Reverse back the required amount to align car window
- Set parking Brake, Put the window down.
- Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat
to locate card.
- Turn the radio down.
- Attempt to insert card into machine.
- Attempt to insert card into machine.
- Open car door to allow easier access to machine due
to its excessive distance from the car.
- Insert card.
- Re-insert card the right side up
- Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written
on the inside back page.
- Enter PIN.
- Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
- Enter amount of cash required.
- Check make up in rear view mirror.
- Retrieve cash and receipt.
- Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash
- Place receipt in back of checkbook.
- Re-check make-up again.
- Drive forwards 2 feet.
- Reverse back to cash machine.
- Retrieve card.
- Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card
into the slot provided.
- Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate
male drivers queuing behind.
- Restart stalled engine and pull off.
- Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
- Release Parking Brake.
A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can
you help me when you get home?" "Sure," he
replies. "What's the problem?"
"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even
find the edge pieces." "Look on the box," he
said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."
"It's a big rooster," she said. The husband arrives
home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes
back in the box."
Top Ten Signs You are Addicted to the Internet
- You kiss your girlfriend's/boyfriend's home page.
- Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to
- Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
- You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to
- You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity
and no phone lines.
- You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying
a cellular-modem and a laptop.
- You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on
your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.
- All you daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster
connection to the net: 28.8... ISDN... cable modem...
- And even your night dreams are in HTML.
- You find yourself typing "com" after every
period when using a word processor.com.
YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when:
- You met him in prison.
- During your initial consultation he tries to sell you
- He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
- When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five
- He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
- He tells you that he's never told a lie.
- He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
- A prison guard is shaving your head.
After watching that person on television who claims to know
what common household pets are thinking, it was decided that
we too, would do the impossible...
Dog"They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."
Goldfish"Just because I have a three-second memory, they
don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes over and
over............... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"
Dog "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already
KNOW whose it is!"
Goldfish "The knight never comes out of the castle to
fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue
patrolling, for I am lord and master!"
Parrot "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns
ever really give me a cracker? HELL NO!"
Cat "Why are these people in my house?"
Dog "I don't care if you take the jewelry or money, but
don't mess with the fridge."
Goldfish "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"
Cat "I wish he would stop kicking me down the stairs."
Dog "The 'pretending to throw a stick' game is getting
old, but I seem unable to stop myself from looking for it."
Cat "Why did they put this service bell on my neck if
they're not going to answer to it."
Dog "Why is the baby eating my food..."
Hamster "Kill me, this wheel is boring."
Iguana "Oh great, another day of being in this small
little cage with my food bowl, my water and these annoying
Gerbil "OH NO, not again!"
Dog "I bet if he could do that, he wouldn't be telling
me to stop."
Cat "Oh no, he's picking me up to do another 'land on
all fours off the balcony' test again."